Heavy Heart

IMG_5177Life is a balancing act. Holding on and letting go.

Holding on to hurt, holding on to words, holding on to a thoughtless comment or deed. I’ve held on to many. A heavy burden to carry.

I’ve also held on to small hands, vistas, laughter, tears of joy and loving someone so much you can no longer catch your breath.

It is only very recently that I have begun to consciously seek to let go of the type of holding on that holds me back.

The hurt that we bury deep inside. The hurt that tethers us to unhappiness. Hurt that we dig back up every time we no longer feel worthy, when we feel alone, when we feel threatened or simply, when we are tempted to play self-destructive games.

We dig the hurt back up and we poke at it with a mental stick, until once again it is raw and felt as acutely as the day it was inflicted.

This month I unexpectedly found myself face to face with someone who had hurt me. So much so, that I had withdrawn from our once shared social group. You see, I am porous, no Teflon coating here. Words and actions can cut deep.

Always fearful of confrontation, I could feel my hands beginning to tremor, my heart fluttering like a trapped butterfly in a bell jar. I had a choice in that moment, to scuttle back to the safety of my car or have the conversation I had been dreading and finally free myself from the weight of words.

I’m still not sure what the catalyst was that evening, what gave me the strength to finally voice my hurt. Perhaps it was sheer emotional exhaustion or perhaps it was realising that I was holding myself back. I was no longer in possession of a generous heart, just an injustice I had spent too long nursing.

Only I could stop the power of a heavy heart.

I went and spoke to the person who had hurt me. We ended up standing in that car park, in the dark that cold evening, talking for a long time.

I apologised for not having given them space to have this conversation before. For withdrawing. Then we hugged and in that moment….my heavy heart lifted.

We can’t go back and re-write the past. We can’t undo wrongdoings or rebalance the scales of injustice but we do have a choice as to whether we allow something to shape our forever or not.

We can choose to create a new now and to create a new ending.

16 thoughts on “Heavy Heart

  1. Not being able to forgive someone close to me held me back for 20 years. It was liberating to let go of the past and move forward in a new normal, we are close again now and I will never regret making that leap.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It is very true what you have written. I have been hurt by people in the past, I think it was useful to allow myself to be upset for a short while but then I had to release myself from that pain.

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    • Hello, I just wanted to reach out. I am sorry you are experiencing similar feelings at the moment. I know it can be so difficult but you are right, you can get through this. I’m not sure where in the world you are but please explore the support avaliable around you, because talking really does help. x

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  3. So true! People who have hurt us in the past can no longer hurt us, unless we permit them to still linger in our memory by holding on to hurt they caused us. We are products of our past, but we don’t have to be prisoners of it. Your words are heartfelt!

    Liked by 1 person

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